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What can I say about Fred right in front of his mother?

June 15, 2022

What can I say about Fred right in front of his mother?

He was not just a friend, but we were roommates for probably one of the craziest years of my life. Living with Fred. I never needed an alarm clock. Because I knew at exactly 8:00 AM every morning I was going to hear either Judas Priest or Dio at full blast. And so did the rest of our apartment complex. And then probably another hour of just songs that he worked my name into at the top of his lungs while he showered.

Man, Craig Bischoff and I, we have birthdays back to back. Like days apart. So we’re hanging out at the Laff Stop and we got the bad news that Corey Bailey another comedian that we all loved very dearly had passed away in a motorcycle accident. And then more bad news came. And at this point, me and Craig are fucking so down, we’re bummed. We can barely drink anymore. And then Fred comes storming in with half a Vietnamese sandwich, Screaming that “Al just got shot” while he’s tearing this sandwich into pieces.

John Fred, he was wild, man. I remember going to a concert with him one night. And just, if you’ve never been in a car with Fred, you’ll never laugh as hard and be so scared in your life, until you see Fred slam you. It was also the only time I’ve ever seen Marty Finkelstein do a stage dive. It was pretty cool.

On the night of Houston’s Funniest Person Contest, I had my day planned out, but that meant nothing to Fred. And then we almost got in a car wreck because he was listening to loud music and he’d like to do this thing called car moshing while I drove. So he’s throwing elbows or I’m like, “I gotta make this show alive, Fred, come on.”

But I remember him sitting me in a corner. He had stolen the first place trophy and put it in my hand and gave me just this long screaming football coach pep talk before the competition even began. And I amazingly went on to win that night on 06/06/06. And as soon as my name got announced, I had a moshing flashback. Cause I look off to the side of the stage and all I can see are arms and elbows coming up to the stage cause he wanted to be the first one to hug me after that great moment. That was Fred in a nutshell. I mean he was loving, he was caring. He was supportive. He was insane. I mean, and I love him.

I owe his couch, a debt of gratitude, cuz it kept me off the road many nights that I didn’t need to be on it. I remember the many nights of going to the disco Kroger and hitting the frozen pizza aisle. He’ll get a frozen pizza, open the box, grab the coupon from the inside, and go pay for it upfront. That’s what Fred did.

He loved the Todai Sushi right next to the old Improv and it would almost like, I feel like I was gonna explode. And Fred was just about to turn into a John Pinette bit. The whole “you’ve been here four hours get out!” you know.

Bryan Hurzie really wanted to be here tonight. He was really broken up. Bryan and I spent a lot of time talking about Fred and I know if he were here tonight, there’d be more and more crazy stories like… Like Al said, if you knew Fred, you got a story.

As a fresh-faced young kid coming into the comedy scene, Fred never knew a stranger. I mean, everybody, everybody was immediately his pal. I always admired that about him and you know, until my very last day, I don’t know if I will ever, ever be able to forget him. And you know, it’s really cool to get to meet his mom and his brother today. And I’m sorry I had to be like this. But we all loved Fred. Fred loved all of you guys and well we all appreciate you.

Danny Rios

I said, well, you know, I just moved up to Conroe. Oh, we got to hang out for 20 years, about 19 and a half years, we had a shitload of fishing trips. Which more drinking than fishing I don’t drink in public, but I sure made up for it when Fred came up there.

— Mark Widner

I can’t exactly pinpoint the first time I met J Fred. He had always been part of the scene anywhere comedy was to be found in Houston. He was the first person to turn me onto Dio with Black Sabbath. It wasn’t long after that we had tickets and were on our way to see them perform live in concert. From that moment forward every time I would see J. in public he would yell and sing “Rogers! “What do you say to the dead?” and I would reply “Will you forgive me for living” and the song ‘After All’ it became our greeting.

One night after a performance I stepped off the stage and wanted to get his opinion. I was still fresh from working a day job so I asked him, “Where do you see me in 5 years?” and without hesitation, in that booming voice he went off on a 10-minute rant about corporate culture and then just walked off. I stood there elated and paralyzed at the same time. Just conflicted as fuck, you know?

I always enjoyed the few opportunities I had to road trip with J. Fred or picking him up from his DJ gig on the way to a comedy show. I always made sure to tell any friends, acquaintances, or audience members to catch his set, followed with “you’re in for a treat” and they were. You never knew what to expect, but you knew it was going to be hilarious, quick-witted, and brilliant.

I’m currently East of Salt Lake City Utah, laying under the stars and asking them “Will you forgive me for living?” I can imagine hearing a reply of “yes” and without hesitation, in that booming voice, “Hey, what do you call a Mormon with no kids? A toddler!” Slainte’

Marc Rogers

I’m gonna miss him. He was like a brother. Anytime that I would just tell my problems. When I told him I’m adopting five kids with my wife and I didn’t know how I was gonna do that. And he was just like, “Man, you’re a good dude for doing it. You’re a good dude.”

“Like, dude, I don’t know if I could handle this. I’ve never had kids, you know?”

“Oh no, no, you’re doing a good thing, dude. You there’s gonna be a place in heaven for you.”

Some of those other times, I would tell him, “You know, I don’t know these kids, they drive me, mad. I used to do that to my dad all the time, man.”

He would always encourage me. And he would just say, “Frank, just take a deep breath, before you beat them. And if you don’t beat them, they’ll never learn.”

And I’m like, “what?” That was his sense of humor, you know? I miss him a lot. And as far as the fishing trips go, I tried, I just didn’t have any patience.

So, all you guys here have got great stories, but I was just a grain of pepper, in his life.

You know, there were times, I wouldn’t see him. Maybe every three months, sometimes six. There’d be a time when I wouldn’t see him for a year. And then all of a sudden he pops up, like that pesky pimple that I got right here. For someone that was headlining. And I was, I was just an open mic-er and it’s not like he took me under his wing. He made me his friend. I’m too emotional and it’s been since September and I still feel ’em, you know. Now when I look at my kids, I think of him. I’m like, damn, who’s gonna stop me from beating them. The kids did meet him and they loved him.

I miss him and I know you guys too. Without a doubt, I know he’s in a better place, because Houston sucks. I’m sorry, But that’s all I have.

— Frankie Torres

The last time I saw J. Fred though, it was at mom’s coming out show, I mean first stand up at Rudz, you know, you were wonderful and seeing your son was incredibly proud as he was excited. And I knew he was excited because he ignored the rest of the world. I was sitting right next to him when he didn’t even know it. It was a beautiful night to watch mother, and son, be in that same performance space together. I had tremendous respect for J Fred because he was, you know, we can joke about how he was without boundaries, but he was loving and supportive just like you guys said.

It’s true that Al was working for me, the day that he got shot. I get a phone call from J Fred, who says, “You’re not gonna believe this, but our best friend got shot in the foot, um, fighting over Vietnamese sandwiches.”

So he says, “Al is at Ben Taub.” And so everybody, the lawyers in the office got in the car and ran over to Ben Taub to see what happened to Al. You know, this big, large room with beds and everywhere and people, you know, it just looked awful scene. And there’s my, my really good friend Al B laid up and it was terrifying to think that he’d been shot and getting the story from him. And he gets to the point and he is laughing and smiling.

Like, “Wait a minute. You’re not acting like you’re a victim as a lawyer. I kind of know what the role is. You should not be smiling and laughing.”

He goes, “No, man, you’re not gonna believe it. J. Fred kicked their ass!” And I’m like, “No, no, don’t be saying that loud.”

Al, he goes, “Why I should be quiet?”

And I go, “Why?”

“Because there he is. There’s the guy that was that, J. Fred beat up. I’m just rubbing it in”

“What?” I turn around and see there’s another guy with a swollen face who’s handcuffed to the bed.

If you know, knowing Jay Fred you knew where his heart was at and I would tell you right now, I don’t think I ever hugged him enough. He’s just somebody that, that he felt incredible energy when he hugged you. It was just, that there was a power and a strength. And he conveyed that without actually physically hugging the way he treated people, the way treated himself, the way, the way he took care of other people.

J Fred was a very, very special friend and you knew that very easily and quickly. The other thing I would like to comment on is how he was as an entertainer. When I met him, he was already a featuring act at the lab. He was already foundational at that point as well. And I, yeah, I really took a liking to him just as from the entertainment point of view because when I was growing up, I idolized Robin Williams, Robin Williams was just so fast and, and, and characters and voices and all this, an animation and, and so entertaining just to be around. And so was, J. Fred, whether you knew it or not, you were my Robin Williams.

Stephan Rubin

The very first time I met J Fred, I was over at a fish fry at my good friend Al B’s place, where we just watched hours of The Simpsons. This was the very first time that I was there and Fred was there and maybe said three words the whole time. And Al didn’t really introduce cuz I guess there was no one to introduce and his friend was sitting there snoring. Most of that time Fred was just sleeping on the couch, sitting up while we watched all these Simpsons episodes. Eventually, I was like, “Al, who the hell is this guy?”

“Oh, it’s J Fred.” Like that explained everything.

Okay. So the next time I hung out Fred was awake that time, but then I got the full political ramblings of why they put fluoride in the water and why you should avoid it at all costs. I was like “Al, who the hell is this guy?”

“Oh, it’s J Fred.”

The third time we moved the fish fry over to Sister Sara’s house. It was my first time there. And Fred gave me a tour of his room. He was like, “Oh yeah, here’s the Las Vegas Comedy Festival that I was a part of. And I also opened up for Lewis Black. And here I am with Mitch Hedberg.”

I was like, “Al, who the fuck is this guy?” And Al would give the same answer, “Oh, it’s J Fred.”

Fred truly was larger than life. And every time I met him, it was almost kind of like meeting a different person. But depending on where we were, Fred was the person that came out. We had always planned several fishing trips together which never panned out. I mean he could talk fishing no matter what was going on. He would be down to talk fishing, no matter if it was the appropriate time or place or not. The man was down for a pretty good fishing trip. After Al moved to LA, and I kind of lost touch with Fred.

As the time went by, he popped up. I forget where, it was like J. Fred sightings. I would be on my way to DJ at the radio at Rice and he would just appear on the Metro and sit down and talk to you as if it was 10 minutes ago. And that was the last time we talked and he would continue to tell me why I should stay the hell away from that fluoride.

I don’t know if fluoride was the magic thing, but it was something like that. Where again, even knowing in several years you kind of go, who the hell is this guy? That guy was J. Fred. And he was a special guy, he was a magic guy and I’m gonna miss him.

I’m gonna miss him along with the long list of others who have passed away. His comedy was truly magical and he was definitely one of a kind. And he got to do some really, really cool stuff that most people only dream about. And that was J. Fred.

Ramey O’Brien

Most folks go to TED Talks, this is my Fred Talk. To know J. Fred is to love him and to love him is to be highly annoyed by him. He was a hurricane, a giant German shepherd of a human being who left laughter and trails of pure destruction in his wake. You couldn’t help but love him. He taught boundaries, by stepping all over yours.

My favorite memory was the time that he saved my life and put me in danger at the same time. If you heard this before, here’s a director’s cut. It was like around June 5th, 2003, I got home from work, and out of my shoes and John Fred goes, “Hey Al, here’s $20. Get some Vietnamese sandwiches. We’ll go watch Mitch Hedberg at the Laff Stop right after.” “I’m in!” And I just slipped my untied shoes back on and bought the sandwiches. So I get back with the Bahn Mi sandwiches and as I get out of my car which is under my apartment facing Hawthorne st. I see what I think is a homeless person walking toward me. And I’m thinking, “Man, this is the last thing that I need.” And before I could finish that thought, it’s a gun to my face and the dude says, “Be quiet. Don’t do a thing because you’re going to lose.”

And I snap and I jump out of my untied shoes, knock the gun out of his hand and the cigarettes out of his shirt pocket. I land on top of him and we both go for the gun at the same time. He grabs the gun before I could and puts the end of the barrel at my foot. And before I could I could finish thinking, “He’s not going to shoot me in the foot is he?”, he pulls the trigger.

As this is happening, Fred is upstairs playing his guitar and he hears me drop the sandwiches. He runs downstairs and sees me on top of the guy with my left arm around the guy’s neck and my right arm around the guy’s arm which is holding the gun.

“Fred, he shot me.” And Fred grabs the gun and throws it in the bushes. And that’s when we hear the guy’s getaway driver peel off.

So Fred starts kicking the dude in the face. The dude falls down with a thud with me on top of him. Fred runs back to the apartment and gets his phone to call the cops. A couple seconds after Fred runs off, the dude gets back up with me on top of him.

So now I’m hold holding onto the guy’s neck who’s trying to shake me off like a rodeo clown. I squeeze tighter, Fred arrives and it’s, “Round two! Fight!” Fred is just kicking and screaming and punching while I’m just hanging on and choking the dude. And that’s when the neighbors show up. Why? Because we were cursing while it happened. “Be quiet! There are children here!”

“Like shut the hell up. This adult shot me, another adult. I’m gonna curse as much as I want.”

And then the neighbors actually help us, and they sit on top of the dude that shot me. So while I’m waiting for the ambulance to show up. Fred finds the guy’s pack of cigarettes on floor and starts smoking them in front of him and starts making comments like, “I know it’s June, but don’t worry, orange is a fall color.” It took my mind off the crazy intrusive thoughts like “will they have to amputate my foot? And does this mean I’ll be limping for the rest of life?”

I get to Ben Taub county hospital and they sit across from the guy that shot me. And of course, I’m giving the guy that shot me the middle finger. How can I not?

All the attorneys I worked at the law office show up at Ben Taub. All they really did at Ben Taub was stack towels on top of my bleeding foot for five hours and tell me to come back later for an X-ray. I get home on crutches and grab my sandwich. I take a bite and I realized Fred ate my sandwich. Still the best tasting sandwich I’ve ever had.

There’s so many, so many stories, so many crazy moments in between performances. I’ve lived with him for probably about three years. Right up until till the time he threatened me with a spatula. We’ve had our ons and offs, still he had moments of wisdom, moments of clarity, and moments of insanity. And there are always moments of insanity.

He always had sayings that stick with you like, “Riot the time is now!”, “Don’t expect A work from a D student.” and “Their emergency is not your fire-drill.” You know, like if you needed help, you could call Fred at 10 o’clock at night or morning and say something like, “Hey Fred I had a flat. Or hey Fred, I was offered 50 pounds of crawfish, do you have an extra cooler? Can you help? And he was there right there.” He made my emergency his fire-drill. You know, he would give you the shirt off his back and sell it to you. There were fish frys. He loved fishing. He loved playing the guitar. He loved, he loved singing your name into any song he came up with. He loved Last Concert Cafe. And most of all he loved each and every one of you guys.

Al Bahmani

When I started out in comedy, I saw J. Fred. I remember the first time he sang, “The Brady Bill”, a great song. I was like, that’s genius, the Brady Bunch theme song mixed with gun control. It’s great.

J Fred was a great guitar player. He’s really really good. I do a little bit of guitar just at home. You know, I never not in public or anything. And we would talk about that a lot. I remember him one time telling me he was playing his guitar so much that he actually formed blisters on his hands and thumb, and the blisters would pop, and then he would put super glue into the little hole that formed. And I was like, wow, you’re, you’re a lot more hardcore I will ever be at playing the guitar. J. Fred is definitely, you know, very funny, sometimes, bits of his in my head would just pop up. You know, like a restaurant where somebody walk-in, talk to the host will go, “Hey, I want two for the lunch section! Two for the lunch section!” “Oh, okay. Let me sit in the lunch section, right this way.” I always thought that was great. “There’s no lunch section. Why do people say that?”

I think that’s about it. That’s about all I have to say. I just want to do some of his material. Just to hear him.

— Andrew Kresse

Fred was my friend we’d play music together. Even though he told people he was just rhythm. He made me feel like I was just the most special person in the world. Every time I was with him, he would give me full attention. I think he did that for everybody. Yeah. And I think that he really did love all of you guys, especially his brother. I’m not gonna tell you what he tortured his brother. But I used to get on him all the time. I said you should be, you should call, call Graham up right now and tell him how much you love him. Because he always told me how much he loved you. And he, he always talked about you and Al B, he loved every one of you. He was crazy and annoying, but I never hated him. Always loved him. And I miss him greatly

David ODea

I got to know J. Fred before I actually knew Fred. I met him through Graham. Graham was a good friend of mine and I would always hear about Fred. So when I finally met Fred, you know, he would come to some of those things we did on the weekends. And then one day he showed up at the Last Concert Cafe and I was like, oh yeah, he’s a comedian. We had a comedy night and Fred started coming there and hanging out and he was so helpful. He would come early, cuz I think he rode the bus or something, but he would get there like two or three hours early and he would help everybody do their jobs. I mean, he was a lovely person and that would work. And then I think he would wear himself out, he was a great announcer and emcee. He was just a good guy. And I’m really glad to be around people who get Fred, you know. I didn’t know what I was walking into and I’m just really feel good now that he had all of y’all And all y’all felt the same way we did. Thank you all.

Dawn Fudge

Well, I just wanna thank all of you for coming out tonight. This it’s, it just, it does my heart. Good. It really does. Fred loved every one of you. He did. His hugs were just to die for, and I miss his hugs so much that he was always good to me. You know, he always would call me up, “Mom, what do you need? Can I do anything to help you?” My mother always said, any man, that’s good to his mother is God has a special place in heaven for him. I missed him at Christmas. I didn’t even bake cookies this year cuz he wasn’t there to eat ‘em. Easter was hard too, but I know he is in a better place and that helps. He always called me a church lady.

Well, because I’m a United Methodist minister and there was the sister Sara Show every Sunday morning at 11 o’clock. I was 30 years in the pulpit. When I decided to do standup comedy, he was so, so supportive. He really was. And, and I told him, once I said, “Fred, I just wanna make you proud of me.” And I think it did.

One time after Fred had finished a set, an audience member handed him a note and the note said, “I lost my son two years ago and I thought I’d never laugh again tonight for the first time I laughed.” And that really struck a note with Fred. I’ve seen the note, he kept it, and uh, made me realize how healing comedy really is.

You cannot laugh and be miserable at the same time. It’s very healing. But it really is important. I think to know that what you guys do in your comedy is a very important thing. It’s very healing and it’s really tremendously important. And I just thank all of you for being here tonight. And, and church lady says, I love all of you too.

— Sister Sarah

Well, thank you, everybody. I grew up calling Fred, Fred. So finding out that he was going by J. Fred was a surprise. So many Fred stories.

About 1991, Fred comes home and decides he wants to do stand-up comedy. So I got in front of my mother’s typewriter and I said, “I’ll help.” Let’s write you an act. I drove him from San Antonio to Galveston, to Houston, Kingwood Woodlands, everywhere. Anywhere there was an open mic, Fred would get up and do this act. And he finally got his first paid booking in Galveston at the old Flagship hotel.

So we got a room and I drove him to the show and he does it and killed. We got back to the room and turned on the TV and we caught a rerun of the Golden Girls and he realized where I got all his jokes. We bonded over it. And we rewrote the act.

And when Fred was on, Fred was on when he was off, he was you know. So I learned to leverage. We were in an HEB grocery store and the lines to the cash registers were around the corner. Well, they kept making announcements. “Could we get more cashiers up front? Could Janice please get to register four! Could I get a price check on number nine?” And I look over and Fred is gone.

Fred had watched the managers on the in-store mic and figured out the telephone code they dialed. So he snuck on his knees underneath an empty register, got the phone, dialed the announcement code, and said, “Thank you for shopping at HEB. As customer appreciation, we are offering free beer in the delicatessen. Free beer in the delicatessen.”

You have never seen a stampede like that, people left their carts towards the deli. So we navigate through to the front of the line. And as we’re checking out with our Totino’s party pizza and spray starch. He loved spray starch. We get to the checkout. We’re gonna score. As we’re getting out of there. Fred makes the mistake of speaking in his radio announcer voice. And that manager realized it was Fred. We were summarily thrown out and banned from that HEB.

And then I remember, I guess this was about 1989. We made the mistake of deciding to live together.

So I went to this apartment complex and I walk in and they look me over and they decide that I’m such a refined young man. They had three complexes, A, B, and C. Well, C was the quiet complex where they put all the old people. Well, that’s where they decide to put us. Anyone who knows Fred knows this is a bad idea. So they put us upstairs above this poor poor woman. I’ll never forget her name, Mrs. Sears and we lived together for six weeks. I mean, it didn’t go well. And Mrs. Sears kept marching up to our front door every night, banging on it and please quit giving high heeled shoe lessons. And we’re like, what is she talking about? Well, Fred had that walk.

So it wasn’t working out. I wanted out, but we had a lease. One month, I go down to the leasing office to deliver the rent check. And the leasing office woman is just like, absolutely not. “I’m not taking your check, get the hell out!” And I said, “but we have a lease.” And she opened a filing cabinet and pulled it out and tore it up in front of me. I was never so happy in my life.

I have so many other Fred stories. The eggs that used to disappear from the refrigerator. My mother’s a very intelligent woman in many ways. but she’d come into the room all the time. While we were watching TV as kids. And she’d say, “You boys go through so many eggs.” Well, of course, we were throwing at cars. She also was like, “God, y’all go through a lot of hand lotion.”

I can’t think of any, I loved throwing things at cars. He loved playing guitars. He loved dogs. Oh yeah. Dogs, love dogs. Uh, love the beach. Love fishing, The guitar, And the guitar. And dogs, dogs always big dogs, big dogs.

I’ll never forget it was at the Comedy Showcase had a contest. The Funniest man in Houston, is that what y’all call it? So I think he was a finalist or something and he kept going and kept going and, and we would go in groups and the group kept getting picked and bigger and he would go in and all my friends would wait outside and have to pay $10 to get in. And we were like, okay, well I guess he got wise to it. And he wrote a song and performed it. It was called “Let’s have a contest”, it went, “Let’s have a contest. We can make the locals work for free and charge their friends admission “

And that already got the manager running toward the stage to kick Fred out. But that’s when the mallet came out and he decided to play jingle bells in his head and yeah he started bleeding, and anyway, all right. Which got him thrown out and disbarred from the contest.

The show America’s Funniest People were coming to the Houston Galleria on the day after Christmas to audition people. Fred gets me up at like four in the morning. I agree to drive him to the Galleria and I drop him off. We don’t hear from Fred for 16, or 17 hours. He calls about 9:00 PM that night. He waited in line behind 3,000 people. Wow. Got on stage and played jingle bells on his head with a mallet. It was like a wooden instrument. It was beautiful.

So I pick him up and we are driving home. We get home and there is a message on the machine. He has been picked as one of two people out of 3000 to be on America’s Funniest People, the following Sunday night.

So we all gather as a family around the TV and we watch it. Well, then Don Nelson and Jan Glenn had a morning television program on ABC 13. They called cuz they had heard Fred was gonna be on that night. And they asked him if he would be on live TV the next morning on their good morning show.

So again, he asks me, “Would you drive me down there at four in the morning?” Of course, I even put makeup on him. So I drop him off at the stage door and I race home. And again, as a family, we sat around to watch him on live television. Don Nelson comes out, and Fred is there on live TV with his guitar. And Don says, “Fred, tell us a joke.” And Fred strums, the guitar and says, “What do you call a diet for illegal aliens?” And Don Nelson went, “We’ll be right back after this commercial”.

Then we get a phone call from Fred. Can you come and get me? They’ve blocked me out. Basically, the hook came out, when they came off commercial break, the stage manager pulled him off stage, threw him out the back door, into the parking lot, and locked the door. Fred wandered to a payphone to call for me to go and get it. So I picked him up and I’m like, “So you’re not gonna be on tomorrow?”

— Graham Gemoets

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Shrugs ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

March 30, 2022

“Can you please get me a new stool from the back.” asks a guy in a Hawaiian t-shirt who hands $20 bucks and a chair..

I don’t work here, I just happen to wear a tie. I mean this is “The Smoke House”, it’s a nice restaurant.*

I’m lying to you. Sure, I’d like to say, “I dress nice to impress”. Heck I’ve even been asked to dress down by one employer. I wear a shirt, coat and tie mostly out of insecurity.

I have moobs aka man boobs. Last time I wore just a t-shirt I was told to get a training bra. Mothers can be so cruel. Quite honestly, nothing hides my moobs better than a sports coat and tie. It worked for most folks great grandfathers. After dinner, I head to the grocery store and check out the day old jalapeño bread, I get a tap on shoulder.

“Sir. Do you work here?”

“No, I don’t work here. I just like putting on a tie when I buy day old jalapeño bread.” I take a deep breath and throw caution to the wind, “Ask me anyway. I’ll try to be helpful….”
Yeah it’s right over there or the store across the street.
Now there’s a line forming of people asking me questions. Anyways. Here’s a couple of minutes of me talking bout the cycle of outage and of course I crack a joke. Look, I’m not okay, neither are you, so lets have a laugh! More silliness and coolness to come!

*Thanks again Trevor Keveloh at Korrupted Comedy LA at Mrs. Robinson’s Irish for treating me and  James Betterton II to dinner at the Smoke House and trusting us to keep the joke machines going as months by.

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Good Words, Good Thoughts, Good Grief

March 21, 2022

Next to having an unexpected fist striking your face, being close to flames will humble you. It’s around this time of year I find myself jumping over flames.

At first, there’s a feeling that grips the pit of your gut. You let that feeling passes over and turns into determination. That determination turns into a hell of a rush as you start hopping over multiple flames like a Mario Bros.

It’s After a while you find yourself moving forward towards the fear and get it over with. I’m just thankful my father started me early. No, it’s not some weird Texan St. Paddy’s Day Arson thing. I am aware folks do that in Texas and all over the world.

It’s part of the Persian New Year Nowruz (Pronounce “No Ruse”) New Day. It’s a Magi holiday ritual that goes back thousands of years. The Tuesday Wednesday before the holiday. The holiday predates Christianity and Islam*. There’s fire jumping which is an allegory of facing the new year over the flames of the old. There’s an offering table with a goldfish. You also get chocolate coins, new clothes, and you gotta clean your place, set up offerings, and visit family and friends. There’s a lady spirit that visits your place and curses you with bad luck if your place isn’t clean and offerings ain’t up to par. And right about now you’re looking at me like I’m on drugs.

Look the old school Zoroastrian holidays have to be seen to believed. You try to explain the Persian holidays to most folks and they look at you as a lunatic on drugs or just making up holidays. Because people don’t just makeup holidays.** It gets sandwiched in around the same time as the drinking holidays St. Paddy’s Day and Purim.

I mean obviously, Covid has put a halt to the yearly fire jumping. Ironically around this time of year, I found myself in Los Angeles. I still find myself leaping over stacks of little fires.

Anyway, folks, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Sure it’s from an oncoming train. It’s a toy train. However, there’s glass and legos on the floor. It’s still going to hurt. Still better than staying in the darkness.

What am I saying, folks? Life is like the Chumbawumba’s “Tubthumping” without the cirrhosis of the liver. I showed up a documentary and there’s more on the horizon. It’s around this time of year I find myself jumping over flames.

*Notes

*Isn’t Iran Muslim? Even after most practicing Magi were kicked out, most Iranians still hold onto Magi names and the Farsi language thanks to the poet Ferdowsi that remixed history and legend into an old school OG Game of Thrones. Of course, there’s a cartoon version. Check it out!***

*Sarcasm Font

**It was pretty popular. Took him 30 years to complete it. However, he was upset when he was paid in silver after he was offered gold originally. After he complained to the king. That King sent out elephants stomp on him.   

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It’s Show Friends in Show Business

February 17, 2022

It’s not often true friendship and show-business combine. No matter how hard you try, you really can’t like everyone. Everyone you like might like you less. What’s the old saying by used by jerks to justify the hack crappy behavior? “It’s show business not show friends!” Who needs 30 pieces of silver when you have a spot to perform at a pub that used to be a comedy club? Alliances and rivalries come and go at the drop of a hat. Despite all your cynicism, and self-doubt, you meet someone and you make a real friend.

No longer do you watch other comics with a sniper’s eye view, hoping and praying for them to trip up, bomb, and die a horrific death on stage which would hopefully lead to nothing short of a good old-fashioned whupping. You start to see this person’s artistic and professional advancement as a good thing and well deserved. You catch each other’s shows when in town and not do anything else. When the chips are down off the stage, you got each other’s back. Help each other move, crash on the couch, share rides to gigs, mics and just hang out. And then, the unexpected happens.

 Laff Stop, Houston, Texas late Saturday night, Outlaw comic, Carl LaBove has a restless sold-out crowd and my good friend Theodore M.E. Taylor is opening tonight. This is the third and final show of the night. Feeling claustrophobic, Theo heads to the green room and chills out. Minutes pass, the straggling drunks from the second show finally settle their tabs with the wait staff and get out. Seating begins and ends with military-like precision. I decide to get my stage right peanut gallery view of the stage.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WELCOME TO THE LAFF STOP! THE OLDEST COMEDY CLUB IN TEXAS, TONIGHT WE HAVE ONE OF THE ORIGINAL OUTLAWS OF COMEDY, JUST RECORDED A COMEDY SPECIAL SHOWTIME AND WILL BE SEEN ON BIOGRAPHY! GIVE IT UP FOR CARL LaBOVE!

The audience goes wild with applause.

ALSO, GIVE IT UP FOR YOUR FEATURE, HE’S A REGULAR ON BOB AND TOM GIVE IT UP FOR DWIGHT YORK!

The applause gets louder.

AND NOW GIVE IT UP FOR YOUR HOST AND EMCEE FOR TONIGHT! THEODORE M.E. TAYLOR!

Then, I realize Theo is still in the greenroom. 

THEODORE M.E. TAYLOR… THEODORE M.E. TAYLOR!

Applause turns to confusion.

WILL THEODORE M.E. TAYLOR PLEASE COME TO THE STAGE!

Split Second, I think to myself, Aw Screw it!

I think opportunity has knocked and I run-up to the stage.

I got this friend that wants to fuck a dwarf. 

A wave of laughter devours the stage.

Alright, it’s me. Hold on. Let me explain. I’m just in it for the story. Just about every hack comic has them I screwed a little person story. They’re all pretty much the usual I fucked one, please insert a small joke with a pun here. Doug Stanhope actually claimed to have hooked up with a little person and he doesn’t even have a story or joke for it. There have to be more variations on the genre of little person fucking? Is there a Jack Kerouac beat-inspired story popping with confusion, jazz, and Benzedrine? Where’s the young dwarf coming of age tale? The Anne Rice dwarf fucking story that spends 5 pages detailing the stitches of clothing on the dwarf’s dress. There has to be more to this sub-genre.

 Applause get louder. 

Well, at least for a split second inside my head.

Cause quite honestly I don’t do that set and never had because it sucks and you can’t polish a self indulgent turd. That sort of set would earn you multiple upper cuts between your legs by dwarf comic Lil’ Rob Armstrong.

As reality crashes in and I bolt to the green room, and shout, “THEO! GET YOUR ASS TO THE STAGE!”

 “I’m coming! I’m coming!”, Theo shouts as he runs to the showroom. 

Theo sprints to the stage and has an awesome show.

“What The?” I tell Theo after the show.

‘You know, Al if it were you late for the stage, I would of taken your spot.’ Theo tells me.

“In a New York minute?” I ask.

“In a New York Minute!”, Theo assures me.

Trust me the thought has entered my mind. Yet, I feel content. Something must be wrong with me. 

You know what’s not wrong with me? Catching me live on stage and having some laughs! Saturday I’m performing at a Pacific Plate Brewery with Eddie Pepitone and many more funny folks in “Punchline for Pangolins” All the money raised goes to Johannesburg Wild Life Vet and Global Conservation Force. You can get tickets here!

And I’ll be in Toluca Lake Monday opening for Martin Moreno, Felicia Michaels, Jill Kimmel, John DiResta and many more funny folks at Korrupted Comedy LA at Mrs. Robinson’s Irish Pub! You can get your tickets here!

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Galentine’s Day Massacre

February 14, 2022

I was once asked ’How do you do you heal a broken heart?

You don’t.

You let it fester inside until it causes physical pain and suffering. You cry in the shower like an adult as you feel the hope drain from your life. You create an armor of sarcasm and snark to protect your heart and shield yourself from all attempts at intimacy from others. Then your heart dies and you find joy in the pain and suffering of others because that’s the only way you can feel anything anymore. Or you can get a life.

Roses are Red,

Violets are blue,

You can’t save these hoes!

These hoes got to save themselves!

And by ho,

I mean the one in the mirror,

Looking right back at you!

Also I directed a “Special Valentine’s Day: Try Harder Sometimes”. It was fun to work with Alyssa Poteet, Olivia Hill the IX (on IMDB!), John Yabes and Kristen Lundberg! It’s cute send up of 90’s sitcoms and Wanda Vision. All of them funny comics and triple threats on and off stage in their own right.

In the meantime, you can catch me opening up for Jessimae Peluso’s Galentine’s Day Massacre tonight!

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Big Night

February 7, 2022

Sometimes I wonder how’d my life would of turn out, what if I had stuck to the straight and narrow? What if I stuck it with that psychology major and got that psychology degree? The one I had originally intended. Would I be happier? Would I be able to still have the ability to express myself? Would I still be resourceful? Knowing myself, I’d probably hang out with the same kind of people. They’d just be at a different income level. And I just got my booster shot.

Tonight 8:30 pm I’m performing with Tom Rhodes one of the biggest names and an influence on influences I started with. Tickets can be found here. It’s an honor and a big deal.

 

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“Well That Explains It”

January 16, 2022

“Kishi Kaisei, it’s a story of love, of hope of never giving up. And that story belongs to you and me and anyone fearless enough and anyone fearless enough to dream big..

Because the heart that beats in me is the heart that beats in you.

And the heart that beats as one is stronger than the two.” 

Regardless of who you are and where you’re from, 

It’s the unifying spirit that connects us as one.”

— Hiro the Rabbit

From 2015- 2016 while exploring the city and making deliveries, I started noticing stuffed animals hanging everywhere. There’s a teddy bear hanging from a power line. Oh and here’s another and another. And another and another and another… 

From Silverlake to WeHo to DTLA to Beverly Hills. I kept seeing them everywhere. I asked folks and got no answer. And by folks I mean other stand up comics. Most assumed it was some sort of drug thing. “Must be really good drugs” Some guessed “gang related”. What do they mean? A murder? Lynching of imaginary friends? Gang related? LA Death Museum had no answers. Neither did most folks. One comic proclaimed it’s an art project that says, “LA Kills Innocence!” This is Lost Angeles, “the Boulevard of Broken Dreams”.

So while making deliveries I just started taking photos and posting them & marking locations. Crescent & Fairfax, Crescent & Beverly Boulevard, El Centro & Fountain, Larrabee on Sunset, Melrose & Robertson, Oakwood & La Bre, Romaine & La Brea, Lexington & La Brea, Rodney & Franklin, Gower & Fountain, Martel & Melrose, Clinton & La Brea, Orlando on W. 3rd St., La Cienega & Rosewood, Waring between Alfred & La Cienega, Beverly and Orlando, Gardner & Beverly, Law Jolla & W. 3rd St. Everywhere I went there they were. And then some folks started accusing me of placing the bears around town. (I’m looking at you SNL writer Erik Marino!) It put me in a tizzy.

I was speaking with comic Or Mash who said “Hey Al, why don’t you google what the #HRKK Hashtag means?” So I googled it & found out. A few minutes later, it broke me. I laughed maniacally. I felt like Homer Simpson when he discovered Mr. Sparkle’s origin.

起死回生 Kishi Kaisei roughly translates to “Wake from death and return to life”

It also happens to be a single from the New Wave Electronica band Hearts Revolution “Ride of Die” album. During a 13 month period the band traveled with a dude in a track suit wearing a giant bunny head around Los Angeles in a magical Swarovski crystal ice cream truck. They met folks, danced with them and gave out ice cream. No murder or sinister Q Anon adjacent conspiracy. Sometimes the mind jumps into some dark spaces and we like to think the worst of things. It was just a poppy dance track that slaps hard, something the kids would call a “Bop”. The track slaps, I also recommend the tracks Choose Your Own Adventure and Kiss.

Sometimes it’s not an evil cult. Sometimes it’s a rock band traveling around the world doing crazy hippie stuff. And that’s why I don’t believe in most conspiracy theories.

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J. Fred Has Left the Building

September 30, 2021

To say J. Fred was intense would be like saying the Rolling Stones were just a garage band. If you met J. Fred, you had a J. Fred story. He was that memorable. Fred stood 6 ft 2 inches tall and larger than life. With an announcer’s inflection, Fred boomed instead of speaking and he played a mean six-string.

On stage J. Fred was high energy, subversive, and the perfect way to open a show. Fred crafted one-liners sharper than a mosquito’s pecker and played that guitar till he super glued his fingertips to prevent further bleeding. On stage, the song parodies blended seamlessly with one-liners into something that had to be seen to believe.

When I first met him, he was the only comic that left 2001’s Houston’s Funniest Person contest with an agent’s card. He opened for Lewis Black, Mitch Hedberg, Norm MacDonald, Louie Anderson, Lahna Turner, and Ralphie Maye. He was a fixture of both the Houston comedy and music scenes. You’d catch him everywhere from the Improv to the Laff Stop to Last Concert Cafe to Rudyards to Fitzgerald’s to the Mucky Duck to Avant Garden to wherever you could find a stage.

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He played the road, taught Comedy Defensive Driving, and also remembered what was it like before the Comedy Boom went bust in the early ’90s. He was one of the few comics that started at the Comedy Workshop Annex where Bill Hicks and Sam Kinison started.

He’s one of my oldest, nearest, and dearest friends I’ve made in stand-up. He was the Lenny to my George, the Rick Sanchez to my Bird Person, the Oscar to my Felix. Fred taught boundaries, mostly by stepping all over yours. Whether he was eating your food without asking, speaking so loud your right ear was getting deaf, or waving a spatula at my face angrily. You’d eventually learned to step up back at him when he stepped on you. Sometimes he’d back down, other times not so much. Eventually, things would come to a head and you’d have to have to take a break.

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He was far from perfect and would fall into moods and spiral into darker periods of self-destruction. Periods of going for shocks and awe instead of laughs. Playing songs on his head with a mallet. When Fred was in a dark place, he wanted to bring everyone down with him. The applause of the audience and playing his guitar and being with his German Shepherd dog Shephra soothed his soul. He still ruined the illusion of Flashdance for me.
Still, if you needed a helping hand, (or a helping kick or two.) Fred would roll up his sleeves and pitch in. It’s still hard to stay angry at someone with a good heart who heralded your name in song. He had songs for us all. When he played you couldn’t help but listen.

Occasionally he’d listen to what’s on your mind and give some seriously solid advice. He was a voice of wisdom and madness. I still find myself repeating sayings like “Don’t expect A work from a D student.” “Your emergency is not my fire drill.” “Haunted comics are comics who hear ghost laughs that aren’t there.” “Riot the time is now!” “Quack Quack!”

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He loved books and fishing. There were plenty of fish frys and Simpsons marathons. Up until his vision started deteriorating his bookshelf was filled with true crime, horror, and rock and roll biographies. He also tended to lose keys, cell phones, and bicycles. He loved Led Zepplin, Rodney James Dio, Rob Halford, Judas Priest, The first song he played was Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head. He’s one of the reasons I have a soft spot for musical comics.

He is survived by his brother Graham, his Methodist minister mom Sister Sarah and the many friends he made performing comedy and music inside and outside the Houston, Texas scene.

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Dog Gone It

September 19, 2021

Comedy Showcase Greenroom
Houston, Texas Many Moons Ago

“So why the long face dude?”, I ask my frenemy.

My wife and I had to put our Chihuahuas to sleep. The way they cried when they looked at us and they knew it was all over. They way they cried, it’s still with me.

Oh man it sucks. What were they dying of?

No they were healthy. My wife and I installed new shiny hardwood floors in our trailer and we didn’t want them screwing it up.

So y’all decided to put them to sleep, why not give them away to someone or a no kill shelter?

No because those dogs are evil..

They’re Chihuahuas they can’t be that bad.

No Al, they are evil.

You’re the one who killed two small dogs for shiny floors. I think you’re talking about yourself.

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Behind the curtain looking for my glasses,

January 8, 2020

But this, this I type isn’t a dream. For the most part, I’m still surprised I’m still standing more or less.

Here are a few upcoming little victories this month.

Dirty Friday

Pepitone

Yes, Eddie Pepitone! If you want tickets get them here!

Jeff Garlin

Also you can curb your enthusiasm and catch me working with Jeff Garlin at Sycamore Tavern in Los Angeles. And get your tickets here!

That's me waaay in the back sticking my tongue out photo-bombing a Troy Conrad pic at the Comedy Store.

That’s me waaay in the back sticking my tongue out photo-bombing a Troy Conrad pic at the Comedy Store.

The current Hollywood Shuffle has been a zig-zag path of daily randomness of jumping from one thing to another. I get ‘hired’ for one thing and find myself doing more than I signed up for. Then again, I signed up for a lot. Still, I find myself replacing lights and mics. Lots of notes, rewordings, rewrites, reedits and remixes.

Here are some cool moments happen here a few of them I’m proud of.

Argus stage Lue Joey

Argus Hamilton prepping jokes for The Comedy Store Tonight with Argus Hamilton with fellow comics Lue Deck and Joey Gaynor on the Comedy Store Main Room a few hours before the club opens its doors.

With more than 40 years in the stand-up game “The Comedy Store Tonight with Argus Hamilton” breaks the late-night mold Johnny Carson perfected and gives it a Comedy Store twist.

And it all starts out off with a well-worn note pad. A news piece evolves into a premise here, a phrase there. From there Argus starts sandwiching them in between tried and true material on the Comedy Store stages. By the Sunday before Emma Leigh Rivera and I are recording promos. Argus’s already has 15 solid punch lines written out from premises from the week whittled down to five premises and hours before showtime he’s still working on it. He’ll change a word here, a phrase there or sometimes he flips a premise. And then Tuesday afternoon in the writers’ room he whittles it down some more. The man has had more than 42 years of international audiences of stage experience at the Comedy Store to adapt, sandwich in new jokes in between tried and true. Each week there a lot of folks running around, Starts and restarts, drop-outs and surprise drop-ins. It sincerely feels like it’s 1950’s live tv.

I’m glad to contribute to a show with the creative likes Brett Erickson, Josh Gibson, Dan Madonia, Mike Schmidt, Joey Gaynor, Sandro Ilocolano, Todd Walker, Lue Deck,  Petey C, and Emma Leigh Rivera. There’s a satisfaction seeing some really cool moments happen online and in that studio. And if I’m lucky Argus will use two tags I wrote.

Bill Burr Wide shot Use

I actually didn’t ring in 2020 at The Comedy Store. (Like 2019, 2018 was rung in on what turned out to be the last Show Up Go Up at the Comedy Store Belly Room. Or 2017 when I was hi-fived in the face by Melissa Eslinger or 2016 driving Uber.) There are are no photos because I was busy hosting my own show at Sycamore Tavern. You ain’t lived till you seen an entire room sing along with Glenn Bolton… That memory will be one of my favorites.. A perfect way to kick off a show and the new year. Thank you Trevor Keveloh for the opportunity.

NYE SC

LAst SUGU

LA is a constant cycle of going from zero to hero and then back to less than zero within 5 minutes. Moments of victory are fleeting and so are the moments of misery.

2018 I had gotten texts from family and friends congratulating me because they saw me on Orville. And right after sending thank yous, I continued to work the dish pit at Flappers. Feeling low, I ran into Sam Tripoli and thought, “Aw Crap! I’m going to get my balls busted.” Instead, Sam gave me a pep talk and offered me a spot on a show at Sycamore, Tavern. From there I stuck around, helped out, filled in for hosts and other responsibilities. And then the show ended. And then they decided to do an open mic. So I asked Erik Marino’s blessing to resurrect the Show Up Go Up LA. And We’re back!

SUGU The current roster of Show Up Go Up LA hosts, Mark Stevens, Victor Martinez Jr., Sarah Fatemi with guests Sean Hart and Bird Vs Bear. Currently missing Mia Mars.

That first night at the Dojo of Comedy with coproducers Sarah Kenny & Mark Stevens.

That first night at the Dojo of Comedy with coproducers Sarah Kenny & Mark Stevens.

Every Monday, I spend at Sycamore lying to myself that this open mike will be the last one. This is it this is the last show. It’s drop-ins, drop-outs, fit ins, making good on promises for folks that didn’t. Keeping the energy going between performers melting down, bombing on stage, killing and trying to get everyone up. Butt Luckily I got a good crew of coproducers/cohosts to back me up.

SUGU Woot

Solving a murder is the new American dream, that’s why true crime podcasts are so popular. Most folks are, “Why should I pursue social justice when I can get some real justice.”

I’m proud of my research on “Criiime with Rich Slaton and Jon Shefsky”. The research is extensive that went behind each episode is a series of rabbit holes in the darkness that is the human condition. I gotta hand it to Rich for maintaining the meticulous research for as long as he did. I’m surprised the stories don’t run as long as Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History. But Slaton, Shefsky and guest just keep the stories and laughs going. It rude, crude and damn funny stuff.

Punching the Cow

The Hills Have Guys with Candice Thompson

Punching the Cow

Luke Short the Undertaker’s helper, The Pete Best of the Old West.

Bonnie and Cuck

Bonnie and Cuck: Cooneys Never Die! with Keith Carey and Tom Goss

When Criiime pays...

When Criiime pays..

How I just celebrated my first research writing gig. Half price pizza and half-price beer! Woot!

Rich had to take a hiatus from Criiime. You can catch him doing sport commentating for Clash Royale. He even showed up on TBS.

Fantasy House with Jon Shefsky is “HGTV on Acid”. Each week Jon “The Only Realtor in Southern California” Jon Shefsky is the blessed guest of some of the funniest people on earth Fantasy Homes. Quite honestly, these are modest homes in modest places. Modest places like in the clouds, a lighthouse on a volcano or the moon or Montana inside Jon Shefsky. There are ghost-butlers, attack chimps, miniature dinosaurs having business meetings, a room on trampolines, zip line, fighting pits and a puppy room. It’s silly and sometimes not safe for work fun and each episode makes you wonder “What if?” Lots of talented and funny folks all around.

And of course, I gotta plug Jon Shefsky. I spend a lot of time listening to Jon Shefsky. He’s funny imaginative and riffs in his sleep. I help out some behind the scenes duties.

fantasyhouse-cover-art

So what’s next? What’s the end game?

That Hill

I don’t know? That would imply the fun ride would end. I must be doing Hollywood wrong, because I’m enjoying this ride.